Okay, I know these things are a cheap shot, but I simply can’t resist. Ah, isn’t it remarkable what a tiny little typo - or a moment’s inattention - can do for a harried professional? Creates a completely unintentional Wordplay. English is a funny old language… I actually laughed out loud at a couple of these - which is my test for passing them on to you. *grin*

These are sentences actually typed by medical secretaries in NHS (National Health Service) Greater Glasgow. I imagine them being said with a strong Glaswegian accent. (And yes, I know our overworked and how fabulous hospital staff are the world over.)

1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized…

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith , who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job  as a stock broker instead.

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

I’m rather partial to #28 and #32. Do you have a favourite?

I’ve been playing online Boggle for some months now - and guess what? I’m lousy at it. Downright terrible, useless. I keep trying, but I’ve only improved marginally. I think I’m addicted. *sigh*

If you’ve never played, the idea is to find words among the letters - forwards, backwards, diagonally, up and down - it doesn’t matter as long as you can form a word.

Here’s the site, it’s called Wordtwist. I play the 5 X 5 board. You get three minutes to type in words that must have at least four letters.

I think I’m insulted. I’m supposed to be good at words, right? HAH! I’m not. I can hardly get out of the “very low” range. The couple of times I hit “average” I went on a chocolate binge to celebrate. Part of the problem is that I’m a fumble-fingered non-typist and you only get three minutes. But I still can’t believe the high scores. *grumble* On bad days, I wonder if such super-bogglers even exist.

I tell myself it’s more to do with patterns and spatial ability - not my strong point - than vocabulary. But…oh dear!

You have a try. It’s absolutely free. You can even get an account. Here’s the link to the Wordtwist site and here’s the link to the 5 X 5 board I play. Let me know how you get on, okay? WARNING: This is the biggest time-waster known to woman. Guess what I’m doing instead of my revisions?   *rolls eyes*

Win a signed copy of THE FLAME AND THE SHADOW! 

THE QUESTION:

One review referred to “the clever names of the main characters” in THE FLAME AND THE SHADOW. I thought they were pretty clever too, but then you know how I love to play with words!

Tell me what word or words EITHER of the names is derived from or related to and why it’s clever. (You can lie to satisfy my vanity, okay? *grin*)

Remember, you only need to work out the derivation of ONE of the names, not both.

TWO HINTS:

1. Cenda is a FIRE witch.

2. Grayson (Gray), Duke of Ombra is a sorcerer of SHADOWS.

WHAT TO DO:

Email me your answer. deniserossetti @ gmail.com (no spaces, of course!)

CLOSES:

Midnight, Sunday 15th February, 2009

Order from Amazon or Barnes and Noble

Read an Excerpt

I thought this was hilarious (also clever), but then we all know I’m a twisted little person. Thanks, Elaine! *snork*

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Tracy or Jack..

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Tracy came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.

She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said:

‘Tracy, I’ve never done this before, but I either have to lay you or Jack off .’

‘Could you jack off?’ she replied, ‘I’ve got a headache.’

If you know other jokes like this, that depend on a wordplay, I’d love to see them! Maybe we could put them together in a post.

A few weeks ago, I bought a pink T-shirt with “honeyfuggle” written right across the front in big friendly letters. I have a honeyfuggled bust.

“Honeyfuggle? I hear you ask. “What’s a honeyfuggle when it’s home?”

I’m not going to tell you straight up because I’d like you to roll the word around your mouth. I love the subliminal associations sounds and syllables make in our minds. I bet you have some ideas already! Honeyfuggle always sounds a bit naughty to me. But that could just be my dirty mind. *whistles innocently*

My other favourite shirt from this company says “wordnerd“. I like that one so much, I’ve almost worn it out. And before you ask, they don’t sell online and I only see them at this particular festival, from year to year. Very frustrating.

I wanted to buy bibacious for My Beloved, but unfortunately it didn’t come in a size big enough, which seems a little foolish when you consider what the word means. Fond of drinking. My Beloved loves his wine.

Here a few others:

• slubberdegullion ~ a slobbering or dirty fellow; a worthless sloven.
• blatherskite ~ a blustering, talkative fellow.
• graphospasm ~ writer’s cramp.
• tatterdemalion ~  a person in tattered clothing; a ragged or beggarly fellow; a ragamuffin.

As for honeyfuggle, what sort of visions did the word conjure in your mind?  Something sweet and a bit wicked? Or perhaps you saw Winnie the Pooh with his hunny pot.

Would you wear a T-shirt with honeyfuggle printed on the front? Or on the back for that matter? What about wordnerd? Or any arcane/archaic word?

Do you have a favourite T-shirt, and if so, what does it say?

And the meaning? Honeyfuggle is a verb. To honeyfuggle someone is to deceive, dupe, swindle or wheedle.

With honeyed words. See?

Did you guess?

Ah, you gotta love the Aussie vernacular! Across the country, there are many different words for the humble swimsuit - togs, bathers, swimmers, boardies. Depends where you come from.

But the best by a country mile is used for those abbreviated swim trunks most people call speedos.

Here, they’re known as “budgie smugglers“. 

And if you take a real good look to the right, you’ll see why.

I think it’s clever, and funny and dry - real Oz humour.  Also, um, very visual. *chuckle*

At the moment, there’s a debate raging in lifesaving circles. (You guys Over There call them lifeguards.) Budgie smugglers or board shorts? Apparently, young men aren’t signing on because having to appear in public wearing their speedos makes them feel uncomfortable. Old hands say it’s more important to be fast and safe in the water during a rescue. The local press have the story here. It’s accompanied by a complete gallery of budgie smugglers, so you can see for yourself.

I’m ambivalent. After all, a man needs incredible self-confidence and a body like a god to be able carry off a pair of budgie smugglers - and let’s face it, there aren’t too many of them!

The billboard says it all really. What do you think? Do speedos on the beach put you off your lunch? I don’t see how the principle is all that different from a bikini, to be honest. It’s all about the body - and the budgies.

What do you call a swimsuit where you’re from? A swimsuit? Or something else entirely?

The wit and imagination of people never ceases to amaze me. While we were away, I collected nifty names for businesses. Some of them made me laugh out loud, especially when I thought of the staff answering the phone. I suppose they get used to it!

So here it is, another Wordplay. (We haven’t had one for ages.) And also a “I’m home, honey!” CONTEST!! To celebrate - if that’s the right word - coming home.

Bean ‘n’ Gone Expresso Drive Thru - Oliver, Okanagan, BC, Canada

Pick a Part Wreckers - Chilliwack, BC, Canada

See Ya Later Ranch (and winery)  - Okanagan, BC, Canada. That’s their logo on the right. Isn’t it cute? The original owner of the ranch adored dogs and had about fifty over his lifetime, most buried in a doggy cemetery on the property. A prolific letter writer, he always sighed off, “See Ya Later!”

Light ‘n’ Your Load Laundry, San Francisco

Citizen Chain Bicycles,  San Francisco

Doo Wash Cleaners, San Francisco

Site for Sore Eyes Optometrist, San Francisco

Good Earth Real Estate, San Francisco

I think my absolute favourite might be the Pick a Part Wreckers, but Citizen Chain is really smart too.

THE PRIZES (TWO OF THEM!):

The other thing I discovered was this wonderful business in Juneau, capital of Alaska, that manufactures and sells the most beeyootiful enamels.  I bought TWO as prizes, one for writers, one for readers (though it doesn’t really matter - it’s totally up to you.) They had hundreds, so if you’re intrigued, visit Wm Spear Designs and go nuts.

Choose between the Bookwings, which is a PIN (brooch)  or the Write Hard, Die Free, which is a FRIDGE MAGNET. Just remember which is which! Aren’t they great?  I know the photos aren’t brilliant, but believe me, the quality of the enamels is stunning and the colours are true and gorgeous.

 THE CONTEST:

All you have to do is leave a comment on this post - and you DO need to say in the body of your comment which prize you’d prefer, because there are the two.

You don’t have to offer up a nifty name, though if you know one I’m sure  we’d all love to hear it. But don’t beat yourself up about being clever - it’s not necessary,  okay?  As usual, My Beloved will pick two comments at random, one for each prize.

Contest closes midnight, EST, Friday 12th September, 2008.

I’ve often giggled at my mother when she misplaces her glasses. “Wait a sec,” she’ll say. “I can’t hear you without my specs.” Meaning she can’t see my face, and my lips moving.

Facial expression is an absolutely essential part of human interaction. I was reminded of this very powerfully yesterday when I watched a colleague struggle to assist a woman wearing a full burqa, complete with the veil over the eyes. Because for us humans, it’s the eyes that really carry the conversation.

Think of the big deal writers make out of the colour and/or expression of a character’s eyes. Think of how irritated you become if a character’s eyes change colour (without explanation) part of the way through the book. (Well it drives me insane, but then we all know I’m the Picky Bitch from Hell.)

There are so many ways to describe eyes, and all of them carry a subtext to which the reader responds emotionally. For example, I have light brown eyes, a shade of khaki really. Extraordinarily ordinary. Certainly not especially romantic to my mind. But think of all the heroes who have “amber” eyes. Huh? Have you ever met anyone with eyes that are actually the golden-orange of amber, or the yellow of real gold ? It’s remotely possible, I guess, but I suspect we’re talking about the romantic version of my brown-khaki eyes, which do have a yellowish cast. Sounds revolting, doesn’t it?

For example, a man with dull, black eyes can’t be the hero! (Unless he’s miserable, or ill.) There’s a sort of code I think - something to do with the length of the lashes and the unusual eye colour. Brin, from GIFT OF THE GODDESS has black eyes, but they’re not just black, you know? They’re midnight eyes!

…fathomless. Midnight eyes, framed by inky lashes. The tiny part of her mind still functioning noted slashing cheekbones, a high-bridged nose and a firm, beautiful mouth. But she couldn’t drag her stare away from his, from the cool intelligence shining there, the adamantine will.

If Trey was warm, sweet fire, this man was night. Deepest, darkest, midnight and velvet. Beautiful.

And infinitely dangerous.

And a little later -

Without releasing her from his stare, he growled, “You’re the poet, Trey. Tell her about the goddess.” His eyes were enigmatic, compelling, sucking at her soul, her self-possession. Despising herself, she squared her shoulders and fought to keep her nerve.

Even though it’s a first impression, Brin’s eyes convey to Anje, and through her, to the reader, an enormous amount about his personality. In fact, I just counted and the word “eyes” occurs seventeen times in Chapter 1! It’s astonishing how much we look at each other!

Meet Grayson, Duke of Ombra, hero of THE FLAME AND THE SHADOW (Coming 4th November) -

She’d thought his eyes must be as dark as his hair, but this close, they were a clear, limpid gray. Long-lidded eyes, full of secrets, shielded with extravagant lashes, surely the gift of some besotted goddess. His brows were strongly marked, with an upward slant at the corners. They gave him a sardonic air that went well with his lithe, self-contained grace.

He’s a very different guy, nothing like Brin at all. If you like ‘em all dark and tortured and angsty, Gray’s your man! BTW, all heroes have wonderful eyelashes, it’s obligatory. Actually, most men do, ever noticed? My son has the best eyelashes in the family and the loveliest eyes - a vivid blue-green.

So, what sort of eyes stop you in your tracks? Either in reality, or in fiction?

I love the contrast between eyes and hair and skin. The so-called “Irish” colouring of blue, blue eyes and black hair makes me breathless every time. In fact, I always find the light eyes/darker skin combo stunning - Jason Momoa, for example. We talked about him and Stargate.

What are the most unusual eyes you’ve ever seen? (Contact lenses don’t count!)

I once knew a girl with reddish-brown eyes, fox colour. She had auburn hair. I guess the best description would be sherry-brown. Fledge in TAILSPIN has her eyes, but there’s no sherry on Phoenix sadly, so I settled for calling them russet. Then there was the school friend with the palest of pale gray eyes - they were truly silvery. She was blond. Definitely a bit disconcerting and I’ve never seen anything like them, before or since.

And just to get you in the mood, here’s a pair of extraordinarily expressive eyes to enjoy - I sure did!

Don’t forget - every month there’s a chance to win everything droolworthy - Tim Tams and hunkalicious postcards - including Mr Gorgeous . Check the Current Contest page and keep the comments coming!

Word games are always interesting, but sometimes they’re not really about words - or not only about words.

Click the banner to go the Free Rice site where you can play a vocabulary game and donate rice to the hungry at the same time.

How does it work?

For every word you get right, FreeRice donates 20 grains of rice through the UN World Food Program to help end hunger. Here are some facts from their FAQ.

FreeRice has a custom database containing thousands of words at varying degrees of difficulty. There are words appropriate for people just learning English and words that will challenge the most scholarly professors. In between are thousands of words for students, business people, homemakers, doctors, truck drivers, retired people… everyone!

FreeRice automatically adjusts to your level of vocabulary. It starts by giving you words at different levels of difficulty and then, based on how you do, assigns you an approximate starting level. You then determine a more exact level for yourself as you play. When you get a word wrong, you go to an easier level. When you get three words in a row right, you go to a harder level. This one-to-three ratio is best for keeping you at the “outer fringe” of your vocabulary, where learning can take place.

There are 55 levels in all, but it is rare for people to get much above level 48.

NOTE: I’ll say! I hovered for a few exciting minutes on the dizzying heights of 50 - and then I fell. Ker-lunk! On the other hand, I donated about 1500 grains of rice.

The interesting bit was how useful I found the Latin and Greek roots I did at school a million years ago. No longer part of the curriculum here. *sigh* Though I admit, I did do a bit more Latin and Greek at university. I wasn’t bad at Latin, but Greek? Hah! I was hopeless, something to do with the Greek alphabet I think..

Who pays for the donated rice?

The rice is paid for by the advertisers whose names you see on the bottom of your vocabulary screen. This is regular advertising for these companies, but it is also something more. Through their advertising at FreeRice, these companies support both learning (free vocabulary for everyone) and reducing hunger (free rice for the hungry).

Who distributes the donated rice?

The rice is distributed by the United Nations World Food Program (WFP). The World Food Program is the world’s largest food aid agency, working with over 1,000 other organizations in over 75 countries. In addition to providing food, the World Food Program helps hungry people to become self-reliant so that they escape hunger for good. Wherever possible, the World Food Program buys food locally to support local farmers and the local economy. You can visit the United Nations World Food Program to learn more about their successful approach to ending hunger.

Will the rice I donate make a difference?

The rice you donate makes a huge difference to the person who receives it. According to the United Nations, about 25,000 people die each day from hunger or hunger-related causes, most of them children. To a mother or father watching a loved child die in their arms from hunger, the rice you donate is more precious than anything in the world.

Give it a go - you don’t have to tell us how you scored. Because it doesn’t matter really, does it? You’ve done something for world hunger and improved your vocabulary at the same time.

What was you favourite word? I became rather fond of azygous. Unfortunately, my brain is now so addled I can’t recall what it means. I’m sure you’ll do better.

Don’t forget - every month there’s a chance to win everything droolworthy - Tim Tams and hunkalicious postcards - including Mr Gorgeous . Check the Current Contest page and keep the comments coming!

These nifty neologisms make me chuckle with their sheer wit, but they also fill me with admiration. Some people are incredibly clever. They also have too much time on their hands.

For many years now, the venerable Washington Post has run a contest asking readers to submit new definitions for existing words. (I don’t think it’s still going.) Here’s a selection, ones I particularly enjoyed. It’s followed by a foolish attempt at a neologistic story. If such a thing exists…

Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

Bustard (n.), a rude bus driver.

Semantics (n.), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood.

Spatula: n. A fight among vampires.

Perplexed: adj., lost in a movie theater.

Population: n., that nice sensation you get when drinking soda.

Racket: n., a small pair of breasts.

Nincompoop: n., the military command responsible for battlefield sanitation.

Ineffable: adj., describes someone you absolutely cannot swear in front of.

Pimple: n., pimp’s apprentice.

Discussion: n., a Frisbee-related head injury.

Ozone: n., area in which the G-spot is located.

Flattery: n., a place that manufactures A and B cup brassieres only.

“Thit!”

Running his tongue over the jagged edge of his left fang, Armande the Awesome lymphed hurriedly down the street behind Nocturnal Emissions, the vampire nightclub.

Fading into the shadows, he shoved an anxious hand under the waistband of his oh-so-elegant tailored slacks. Slipping his fingers into the circumvent of his French silk boxers, the ones with the cute little bats on them, he heaved a sigh of relief. Thuper. Everything still there, though he was going to be willy-nilly for a few days.

That bitch Hortenthe sure packed a high kick. Just because he’d said she had a nice racket. Thit, you’d think the girl could take a compliment! But no, she’d jeered at his balderdash. Thilly bitch. He’d gone straight for the throat.

What started as a hissy fit had escalated to a full scale thpatula. Uh, spatula. Every vamp in the joint had weighed in. He should call a flatulence, but he was…too…damn…tired.

No, he was going home to gargle with gargoyle. Bugger Hortenthe.

Nethxt time.

Hmm, I think I may write a vampire thtory - sorry, I mean story - after Kate is finished. I’m very pleased with Nocturnal Emissions, the vamp nightclub. We could have a lot of fun there…

Which of these neologisms is your favourite? Which is the cleverest?

If you feel like it, write a mini-story using the neologisms, but no pressure. It actually feels a little odd, using familiar words in such an unfamiliar way. Use our friends Armande and Hortense if you want. Or try your hand at creating a neologism. It was beyond me!

Don’t forget - every month there’s a chance to win everything droolworthy - Tim Tams and hunkalicious postcards - including Mr Gorgeous . Check the Current Contest page and keep the comments coming!