I’ve never been an outdoor girl. Give me a bed and a book and a cuppa tea.

Don’t get me wrong, I love seeing animals in the wild and Nature’s beauty restores my soul. But the … ah… logistics really bother me. Okay, okay, I confess - the main issue is going to the toilet.  Not having convenient plumbing on the outside like a guy makes it a tad difficult. When you squat, inquisitive vegetation wants to get personal with your nether regions. And it’s always prickly. Then there’s the whole issue of the pants hooked around your knees - slap bang in the way. Not to mention the rest of it - digging holes, balancing while you wipe etc etc

Let’s not forget the wild life either. When DD was about six, she had to go while we were on a rainforest walk. (I swear her bladder is the size of a pea.) She collected a leech in a VERY bad place. The sight of her capering about and screaming with the leech dangling is graven in my memory.*shudder*

Probably ruined the poor kid for life. Speaking of which..

I imagine this poor woman is about to be ruined for life too. Oh dear.

Are you better at the outdoor stuff than me? (No details, BTW!) The rest of camping escapes me too. I’m just not very practical, I guess. Do you enjoy camping? Why?

I’m terminating Yahoo with EXTREME PREJUDICE.

BOOOOOM!!!

It might be free, but hell - you get what you pay for! I’ve been using Yahoo for my monthly newsletter since the very first issue (in May 2006) and I have finally had EEEENOUGH!

From this moment on, I’ve shifted my newsletter - that is, my whole newsletter ‘family’ - to another service. One that’s professional. Sure, it costs, but dammit, it actually works!

CLICK HERE TO SUBSCRIBE!

There are free gifts on joining. *hint, hint*  *cackle*

(NOTE: Existing subscribers should have come along for the ride. If you’re worried about anything, email me and I’ll sort it out.)

I love these folk, they really are ‘family’ to me, and I try to offer them special stuff that you can’t get elsewhere - exclusive excerpts, free books, regular contests, glimpses of my life. Then of course, there’s the ongoing saga of Rackety Kate and the Pirates.  *grin*

So what does Yahell do???

Hah! It stops sending the newsletter to bunches of my faithful subscribers.  And it’s totally random - differs from one month to the next. If I send the newsletter a second time in a month, it doesn’t help, the same people miss out and the rest are irritated by getting it twice.

Either I look like a slack tart who doesn’t care and can’t be bothered, or an overanxious pest who floods your inbox.   Grrr…

Right. *settles feathers* Rant over. Thanks for listening. I’ve changed all the links on my website and this blog to point to the new service.  If you’re not already a member of my ‘family’, give it a try. Sheesh, sounds like a serial killers’ commune, doesn’t it? I’m harmless. Honest. Heh heh.

Anyone else have something they’d like to get off their chest about Yahell? *snort*

 It’s newsletter time, which means…

Rackety Kate and the Pirates

Chapter 25

Bumps and Briefs

The story so far:
Duka and the Duchess, Harley and Chan, all disappear into the night, well-satisfied. Kate’s pretty happy too, cuddling up with Jack and dropping off into a happily exhausted sleep. If it wasn’t for the ominous tap, tap, tapping of the Rossetti woman’s keyboard…

You can read all of Kate here – http://www.deniserossetti.com/kate.html

Sometime during the night, Kate woke, tears streaming down her cheeks – even though she never cried. She couldn’t recall the substance of her dreams, but her arms and legs were twined about Jack’s sleeping form as if he were about to be torn from her. Over the regular soothing boom of the surf, she heard the sound she dreaded - tap, tap, tappity, tap. Stubbornly, she clung even harder.

“No,” she muttered through clenched teeth. “I won’t leave him. You can’t make me.”

Tap, tap, tap. The sound sped up, the little clicks running together, merging into a long murmuring rush like tropical rain on the roof. Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap…

Kate’s eyelids drooped like lead shutters. She struggled. “Jack!” She shook his shoulder.

Jack opened one sleepy hazel eye. “Humpf?” he said.

“Hold onto me! Don’t let me go!”

“‘Course not.” Jack slid a warm, appreciative palm over the curve of Kate’s backside. “Never gonna…let…you…let…you…” His words trailed away and his lashes fluttered down.

“Jack? Jack!” When she tried to rouse him, he simply drew her closer, nuzzling the skin under her ear, mumbling unintelligibly. If she didn’t know better, she’d swear he was drunk. “Hate you, Rossetti,” she muttered. “Hate—” But she was overtaken by a jaw-cracking yawn. Her head swam, images flashing by beneath her eyelids – Duka, with the Duchess over his knee, her upraised bottom a delightful stinging pink; Peter, stretching up to release Tom Cavanagh’s bonds and Tom flushing brick red as he did it; Harley’s bad boy grin and dark tossing curls; the Comte de Nothos, his pale perfect body and shining pointy teeth. Then there was Jack – his tiger gaze, his body cradling hers as they floated in the jungle pool, his hard length buried as deep inside her as it would go. His kisses – hot and wet and searching, tender and coaxing.

Everyone she’d met on Sweet Sisters Isle had found their happiness, even Ess and Tess, the Hormone Harlots. There was nothing left for her to do – except love Jack for the rest of her life. Oh God. Nothing left to do. Nothing at all.

Each vision pulled her further into the dark velvet of unconsciousness, sleep cushioning her like a soft warm blanket, safe forever in Jack’s arms.

It was a lie. She wasn’t safe at all.

***

Want more? You can read all of Kate and see more pirates on the Rackety Kate page. Want even more than that? Join my newsletter - see below.

I squibbed on the blog upgrade. What can I say? I took one look at all those truly hideous geeky instructions and I just…well, I just felt tired, all right? I can do it another day.

In the meantime, I thought we might discuss hair lice.

OMG!, I hear you scream, why hair lice? Here’s what got me thinking of them again -

Isn’t it a hoot? I laughed out loud when I saw it - which is my general gauge of blog-worthiness. It’s from  Longmire does Romance Novels. Go  have a look and a giggle.

But it took me right back too, to the - shudder - days of head lice. DD has the most beautiful hair, really thick. She’s also one of the most determined people I know and nothing would do but for her to grow it long. When she was seven, the head lice adored it so much, they set up Louse Town on her scalp. I hit the little buggers with natural remedies first. Nope. So I held our noses and tried something that smelled like undiluted DDT. Nope.

In desperation, I took her out to the back verandah with a ruler and my big sewing scissors and I cut it. Unfortunately, as a hairdresser I make a great romance writer and the back came out at the strangest angle. Gave me vertigo. So I evened it out. *snip, snip, snip*  From being halfway down her back, she ended up with a pageboy around her ears.

Poor little darling. She went into her room, took one look in the mirror and came over all weak and strange. She had to go to bed and lie down for a while to get over the shock. I felt like Delilah - and not in a good way either.

OTOH, with her hair shorter, I was able to get rid of the damn things. I guess it was poetic justice that a few of the little horrors transferred themselves to me. *shudder* I had absolutely no problem bathing in the DDT stuff. It was orange from memory. Probably accounts for a few things now.

Please don’t tell me I’m the only one….

 It’s newsletter time, which means…

Rackety Kate and the Pirates

Chapter 24

Beginnings and Endings

The story so far:
Duka and the Duchess appear to have formed some sort of pact. Meanwhile, Harley and Chan are moving things right along to their inevitable conclusion – until the clock chimes. Oh, no! They’ve run out of time!

You can read all of Kate here – http://www.deniserossetti.com/kate.html

Duka turned his head, his cheek brushing against the soft, white skin of the Duchess’s belly. Imperiously, he snarled, “Don’t stop, ye bastards. You started this, are ye men enough to finish it?”

Out in the garden, Kate held her breath, Jack equally motionless beneath her. The playful little breeze had dropped, the night air balmy and still. Thank God, the crazy Rossetti woman had shut up, not even the faintest tappity, tap of her fingers on the keyboard.

“Oh aye,” growled Harley. “I’m man enough to make ye scream.”

The First Mate was shuddering now, full body tremors, head to toe. Gritting his teeth, he grunted a negative. The Duchess pressed even closer, whispering in his ear.

Harley leaned forward to sling a muscled arm around Duka’s neck. “You’ll never last,” he hissed. “Give it up for me, man.”

***

Want more? You can read all of Kate and see more pirates on the Rackety Kate page. Want even more than that? Join my newsletter - see below.

Subscribers to my newsletter get to interfere with Kate’s love life. Sign up to join the fun!

What do you think is funny? Humour might be universal, but what makes us laugh isn’t.

Comedian Dan Antopolski has won a prize for the funniest joke of this year’s Edinburgh Fringe. The funnyman, who has previously been nominated for the Perrier award, picked up the trophy from TV channel Dave.

Nine comedy critics sat through thousands of jokes before choosing 27 for viewers to vote on.

The Top 10 jokes were judged to be:

• 1. Dan Antopolski - “Hedgehogs - why can’t they just share the hedge?”

• 2. Paddy Lennox - “I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting’.”

• 3. Sarah Millican - “I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they’re up where they belong.”

• 4. Zoe Lyons - “I went on a girls’ night out recently. The invitation said ‘dress to kill’. I went as Rose West.”

• 5. Jack Whitehall - “I’m sure wherever my dad is; he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.”

• 6. Adam Hills - “Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you’re going to get it, but it’s going to be rough.”

• 7. Marcus Brigstocke - “To the people who’ve got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn’t invent it!”

• 8. Rhod Gilbert - “A spa hotel? It’s like a normal hotel, only in reception there’s a picture of a pebble.”

• 9. Dan Antopolski - “I’ve been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I’ve seen it six times and there isn’t.”

• 10. Simon Brodkin (as Lee Nelson) - “I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn’t finish a lot of them.”

The judges sat through an average of 60 comedy performances each before creating a shortlist of 27 jokes.  More than 3,000 comedy fans voted, with almost 18% choosing Antopolski’s one-liner. Antopolski said: “I’m delighted to get the prize. Although I have won things before at the Fringe, this definitely means the most to me and that it should unite my loves of hedgehogs, comedy and Dave makes this prize very special.”

The judges also listed some of the worst jokes at this year’s Fringe.

• Frank Woodley - “I phoned the swine flu hotline and all I got was crackling.”

• Alistair McGowan - “I’ve just split up from my girlfriend, which is a shame, because it was a long-standing arrangement. Perhaps if we’d sat down a bit more…”

And here for the hell of it, is a spiny echnida, the Australian equivalent of a hedgehog. It’s a marsupial and it eats ants and termites. Cute little beastie.

I really like the top three. I guess because they’re clever, and that always appeals to me. What about you?

 It’s newsletter time, which means…

Rackety Kate and the Pirates

Chapter 23

Racing the Clock

The story so far:
Duka is proving remarkably recalcitrant about his submission. The time he promised is slipping away when Harley has an inspiration.

You can read all of Kate here – http://www.deniserossetti.com/kate.html

Kate locked her ankles in the small of Jack’s back and wrapped her arms around his neck. With a luxurious wriggle, she ground down harder on the magnificent length inside her. God, he was buried so deep, she swore she could feel him under her heart. Only then did she follow his gaze.

Her mouth dropped open. Who cared if this was a dream? She’d never forget it - ever.

His hands chained above his head, Duka knelt in the centre of the floor like some pagan sacrifice, his taut body an offering to the dark gods of lust. His head was tilted right back, the Duchess leaning over him, his head cradled in her pale hands, feasting on his mouth. Chan sprawled in front of him, propped up on a pile of pillows, slightly in profile to Kate and Jack, out in the garden. The position meant Kate could see the necklace of dark bruises decorating the smooth strong column of this throat. It also meant she could observe his Adam’s apple bob as he fought to swallow Duka’s fabulous girth. Kate’s mouth watered, just looking. She couldn’t imagine what effect the sight must be having on the Duchess, but every few seconds, the other woman flicked a glance at the tableau from under her downswept lashes. Duka eyes were tightly shut and beads of sweat dotted his brow. His chest heaved with the force of his respiration.

***

Want more? You can read all of Kate and see more pirates on the Rackety Kate page. Want even more than that? Join my newsletter - see below.

Subscribers to my newsletter get to interfere with Kate’s love life. Sign up to join the fun!

Steampunk is the new buzzword around Genre World. Exactly what it means is open to interpretation, but there do seem to be a few constants. Like dirty great steam machines. heh heh

This video is an absolute hoot. Totally brilliant. What’s more, it contains most of the elements of ’steampunk’ - especially the aforesaid dirty great steam machines. *grin*

Enjoy!

Thanks to Eleni for drawing my attention to it.

The Taxation Office decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the city office.

The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his lawyer in tow. The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the Taxation Office finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa, unfazed. “How about a demonstration?”

The auditor thinks for a moment and shrugs. “Okay. Go ahead.”

Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thinks again. Why not? It’s not as if he can lose. He says, “It’s a bet.”

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

Grandpa sure isn’t blind, so after a moment’s hesitation, the auditor takes the plunge.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s lawyer as a witness. He starts to get real nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?” asks Grandpa. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

There’s a terrible moan from the other side of the room. Grandpa’s lawyer is sitting with his head in his hands, crying.

“Heck, man, are you okay?”asks the auditor .

“Noooo!” sobs the lawyer. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!”

Boom, boom! I love clever jokes. I thought it was funny. You?

 It’s newsletter time, which means…

Rackety Kate and the Pirates

Chapter 22

Love’s a Trap

The story so far:
Jack and Kate are safely hidden in the garden, ready to witness Duka’s submission to Harley and Chan. But no one has counted on the Duchess – except, perhaps, Duka.

You can read all of Kate here – http://www.deniserossetti.com/kate.html

“I hate you,” the Duchess said. “God, how I hate you.” Without warning, she went up on her tiptoes, kissing Duka so hard she almost knocked him back a step. Reaching up, she raked the blindfold away.

In the process, she cannoned into Harley’s arm. He cursed and Duka grunted. But the First Mate’s huge hands came up and clamped onto the Duchess’s shoulders, pulling her hard into his chest. They both hissed when her pale breasts collided with the hard slabs of his chest.

“Ah sweetheart,” mumbled Duka against her lips.

“Shit, can ye hear yerself, man?” snorted Harley.

With a flick of one big brown paw, Duka sent him reeling into the wall, so hard the building shook. Rebounding, Harley disappeared into a pile of cushions. The First Mate didn’t even look up.

Kate pressed her face into Jack’s warm, hard chest to stifle a giggle. His whisper stirred the hair on her temple. “Told ye.”

By the time Harley’s head had emerged from the devouring embrace of silks and satins, the Duchess had half-climbed Duka’s body as if he were a tree, a sturdy jungle giant. He had one palm braced under her raised thigh, his other arm cinched around her waist.

***

Want more? You can read all of Kate and see more pirates on the Rackety Kate page. Want even more than that? Join my newsletter - see below.

Subscribers to my newsletter get to interfere with Kate’s love life. Sign up to join the fun!