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Nifty Neologisms - Wordplay
Posted by Denise on April 19, 2008 under For Writers, Humour, Quirky, WordplayThese nifty neologisms make me chuckle with their sheer wit, but they also fill me with admiration. Some people are incredibly clever. They also have too much time on their hands.
For many years now, the venerable Washington Post has run a contest asking readers to submit new definitions for existing words. (I don’t think it’s still going.) Here’s a selection, ones I particularly enjoyed. It’s followed by a foolish attempt at a neologistic story. If such a thing exists…
Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
Bustard (n.), a rude bus driver.
Semantics (n.), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood.
Spatula: n. A fight among vampires.
Perplexed: adj., lost in a movie theater.
Population: n., that nice sensation you get when drinking soda.
Racket: n., a small pair of breasts.
Nincompoop: n., the military command responsible for battlefield sanitation.
Ineffable: adj., describes someone you absolutely cannot swear in front of.
Pimple: n., pimp’s apprentice.
Discussion: n., a Frisbee-related head injury.
Ozone: n., area in which the G-spot is located.
Flattery: n., a place that manufactures A and B cup brassieres only.
“Thit!”
Running his tongue over the jagged edge of his left fang, Armande the Awesome lymphed hurriedly down the street behind Nocturnal Emissions, the vampire nightclub.
Fading into the shadows, he shoved an anxious hand under the waistband of his oh-so-elegant tailored slacks. Slipping his fingers into the circumvent of his French silk boxers, the ones with the cute little bats on them, he heaved a sigh of relief. Thuper. Everything still there, though he was going to be willy-nilly for a few days.
That bitch Hortenthe sure packed a high kick. Just because he’d said she had a nice racket. Thit, you’d think the girl could take a compliment! But no, she’d jeered at his balderdash. Thilly bitch. He’d gone straight for the
throat.
What started as a hissy fit had escalated to a full scale thpatula. Uh, spatula. Every vamp in the joint had weighed in. He should call a flatulence, but he was…too…damn…tired.
No, he was going home to gargle with gargoyle. Bugger Hortenthe.
Nethxt time.
Hmm, I think I may write a vampire thtory - sorry, I mean story - after Kate is finished. I’m very pleased with Nocturnal Emissions, the vamp nightclub. We could have a lot of fun there…
Which of these neologisms is your favourite? Which is the cleverest?
If you feel like it, write a mini-story using the neologisms, but no pressure. It actually feels a little odd, using familiar words in such an unfamiliar way. Use our friends Armande and Hortense if you want. Or try your hand at creating a neologism. It was beyond me!
Don’t forget - every month there’s a chance to win everything droolworthy - Tim Tams and hunkalicious postcards - including Mr Gorgeous . Check the Current Contest page and keep the comments coming!
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I like Abdicate. It’s the one that made me laugh the most. I think someday I just might abdicate.
They all got me giggling, and my two favorites were lymph and negligent.
Having resigned from the Nincompoop due to excessive population and semantics, Ida became perplexed while avoiding a spatula going on between rival fang pimples. Overcome by overstimulation and flabbergasted by the effects of the concession stands she abdicated for good.
(panting) 
and my own neologism: wonderfool: the way I feel in having fun and wasting my time like this.
Oh no, Dani. Don’t abdicate just yet. Long live the Queen! Hurrah!
Cathy, I have to say I really enjoyed lymph. So clever.
And negligent was pretty funny too.
That Ida. *shakes head* She’s a helluva girl. With so much going on in her life, it’s no wonder she’s a trifle confoosled. But she probably feels just as wonderfool as you do, after that. heh heh
Susan, if you had fun, then you didn’t waste your time, hmmm?
These were great!!
My favorite is Ozone! Yeaaahhhhh!! Gives whole new meaning when the newscasters say it now!!
ROTFLMAO!!!!!
I so need this today! Oh bTW My book arrived day before yesterday, MUAH!
I had great fun Denise, I guess I meant to say time consuming rather than time wasting but was too word drunk and out of breath
I loved ineffable. I’m that someone….
rather read it than hear it(snicker snicker)
Maryde
Kim, it makes you think.
I have to wonder what the contributor was doing when ozone occurred to her/him.
Hey, Meg - EXCELLENT on the book! Thanks for letting me know and I hope you enjoy it. Glad the neologisms gave you a giggle when you needed it.
Word drunk? That’s a good one, Susan. Know what you mean.
Okay, Maryde, I’ve got it for when we meet. No swearing in front of Maryde. She’s ineffable. Heh heh
I attempted to weave and re-weave these wonderful neologisms into something cohesive, sinister or clever. I hope they provide a chuckle or two.
I woke up. It was my 90th birthday and I had the miserable premonition that something bad was going to happen. As if that wasn’t enough, a bustard, whom at some time was probably part of the 175th Nincompoop Brigade, had mixed up his patron’s address and was erroneously knocking on my front door. He got an eyeful of my dry racket husks because, once again, I was negligent. Which reminded me…I needed to get myself over to the Flattery Warehouse, I was long overdue for several new dainties from the ‘Antbitten’ French collection.
Dragging my ineffable self to the bathroom, I cried when I noticed my balderdash had progressed yet another half an inch. To add insult to injury, earlier in the week, I had been utterly flabbergasted. I called upon my reserve inner strength and decided that I would have rather come face to face with a spatula than to ever consider abdicating. My gym membership was renewed straightaway.
Well…no sense in delaying the inevitable… I dressed, ate breakfast and hurried to my early appointment with Dr. LaVage.
The Viagra-endorsing, willy-nilly, 85 year old doctor lymphed in with his usual rectitude, which would’ve been fine, except his breath reeked of gargoyle and he’d forgotten his pants again, leaving a direct view of his gaping circumvent. He was irrevocably scatterbrained after the terrible discussion, but it didn’t matter. His credentials were impeccable.
I had the immense pleasure of being one of Dr. LaVage’s peers. In his first attempt at Certification, he sucked at his testicles. In his brilliant and legendary second attempt, he literally grabbed his testicles by the short hairs, dissected them to the delight of his Review Board and set such a high performance standard that, to this day, newcomers still strive to reach his lofty altitude. I simply wouldn’t have gone to anyone else for my proctosigmoidoscopy.
Having been found physically fit, and in order to erase the medical visit from my memory, I decided to treat myself to some entertainment and headed to see the latest Cussell Rowe film “The Pimple bumps into the Ozone.” I was enjoying a cold population on my way to a seat, when I became perplexed and unwittingly embroiled in the idiotic semantics of some young men causing me to coffee an elderly woman. I was so annoyed I couldn’t run out of the theater fast enough.
I ran directly into the path of and managed to tuck myself under a steamroller. Bystanders started screaming and all hell broke loose. Shortly after, I was barely aware of the blaring flatulence sounds I heard when the last thought that crossed my mind was “This must be what Frisbeetarianism feels like.” Like I said, I had a bad premonition…
Oh my Goddess, Marina! That’s absolutely amazing - you must have used every single one of the little devils.
What incredible work, truly I’m in awe. Thanks so much for playing this week - and for the time you took from your busy life to do it. Hope you had fun, cos I sure did, reading the results! proctosigmoidoscopy??? 
Truly my evil pleasure and cheap fun to boot! My brain cells were depleted and replenished (something vital at age 50.) Did I mention that testicles and enormous surrounding appendages are my predilection? Uhum, I mean my favorite neologisms. Sex and laughter (in that order) keeps one young!!!
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